Schitt Houses and a Ray of Sunshine
by JettaBot
Summary: Patrick and David go apartment-hunting with Ray's help (spoilers for 4x12).


Patrick swings open the door to Rose Apothecary.

"I have good news."

"Did you make friends with a goat farmer? Because Alexis and Ted's little love bubble has really screwed things over for me with Heather. I'm starting to regret getting them together. Which, by the way, would not have happened if you'd just taken the box of puppy sweaters to Ted." David holds up the last packet of goat's cheese accusingly.

"We're all very proud of you David. Few men would give up a goat's milk supplier so that a family member could find love. Which reminds me, you never actually told me _how_ you convinced Ted."

"…What was your news?"

"Ray's going to show me a few apartments around town. Empty apartments, where he won't be coming in at 2am to ask if I finished the mayonnaise."

"That is _excellent_ news."

"Maybe you should come along. 1970s design seems to be having a comeback exclusive to Schitt's Creek, and I know how nauseous shag carpeting makes you. You might want to have some veto power here."

David suppresses a shudder.

"I think that would be a good idea. I just need some time to compile a mood board."

"...I may have raised expectations a little too much. We're choosing between 3 apartments. A little realism will go a long way."

"Ok, well have fun trying to create a mood board based around realism while I explore the concept of classically-inspired luxe urban minimalism."

"Sounds great. Let's just try and focus on a very attainable luxe urban minimalism that a small-town accountant could afford."

David gives him a nonplussed look.

The first place is a dump. Ray gingerly pushes the door which has been left open and a mouse scurries out. Patrick is instantaneously sure that he would rather keep renting from Ray than live here, but he also feels the necessity of lowering David's expectations.

"Look!" says Patrick, reaching through a broken window to point at the ledge below. "Space for flowerpots!"

David gives him a long, horrified look. They leave the apartment pretty quickly.

The second place is liveable. The bathroom tiles make David wince, but Patrick can get them redone. There's no central heating, but in Winter David has a habit of draping himself over Patrick like a lizard on a rock, so he isn't too worried. Besides, David has enough leather sweaters for an Arctic SWAT team. Patrick says about half of this out loud. David contorts his expression into a distant cousin of positivity.

"Uh-huh, it's very…quaint."

"...What's wrong with it?"

"It's a modern apartment but they've redecorated to make it look like a grandmother's cottage. They're overcompensating for whatever it used to be. My guess is murder scene or cult site."

"Oh I can say with certainty that it's not a cult site," Ray chimes in.

Patrick decides the third place might be worth checking out.

The third place seems perfect. There's a spacious kitchen where Patrick can cook and, over the course of a year, teach David to make scrambled eggs. The windows are actually big enough to take advantage of binocular vision.

"Oh my God Patrick, the skirting boards."

"Now," Ray says, "it is about 10% above your price range. But I just thought it was so perfect for you! And, as your friend, I'd feel remiss if I didn't show you at least one house without a history of disappeared tenants."

"That's…kind of you Ray, but I can't afford this."

"But Patrick, _the skirting boards_."

"I'm glad we have the same priorities."

"Ok, once we buy the apartment we can fill it with as many mismatched IKEA pieces and throw pillows as you want, but for now let me enjoy my skirting boards."

Patrick quirks an eyebrow.

"We?"

"You. Once you buy the apartment. Although I will literally pay you to not buy either of those other murder apartments so, I guess, in a way, we would be buying it."

"Huh," says Patrick, looking bemused, "I mean, at that point it kinda just seems easier for us to move in together."

"…Are you sure you're prepared to have _me_ as a tenant?"

"We've survived running a business together, I think I'm pretty prepared. I know I'm going to have to do all the repairs, and, I assume, construct secret plunger and toilet brush compartments while you maintain vicelike control of decor."

"Ok, well, that is correct. I just think maybe you should take some time to think about whether you want _this_ around _all_ the time," David says, gesturing to himself.

"We'll take the apartment, Ray."

A weaker real estate agent would've backed off from the conversation slightly by this point, but Ray, after standing sunnily between them for 3 minutes, seems overcome with joy at this announcement.

"An excellent decision! Although Patrick, I will miss hearing your David stories at dinner."

David tries to shoot both of them a glare, but is smiling a bit too much for it to have its full effect.


End file.
